Don't Let Go

“Babe I’m sorry!"

“Whatever. I don’t believe you."

“Look it’s not what you think."

“Bitch I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to think now!"

     I was heated and angry, and all I wanted to do was disconnect the phone call. Talking about this tonight was wasting my breath and draining the battery of my cell phone. I knew that he was still fucked up over his ex. I knew that it wasn’t easy to let go of a five year relationship, in which he had been married for the last two. But seriously? After all we had been through these past six months? Maybe we moved too fast. Maybe it was too much for him, and the sight of her coming over was too much for him to resist. 

     “Baby please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fuck up like this. You know it’s not easy for me. We were together for five years."

     And i guess you needed five more minutes to remind you of what you missed. 

     “Babe don’t say that. Please.” His voice was small and fragile. Shit, did I say that out loud? Well, fuck it, the damage is done and I’m feeling way too spiteful for me to back down now. 

     “What use is it holding my tongue when it’s the truth. Look Cory, maybe we moved too fast and you need more time."

     “Look can I come over. Let’s talk about this,” he pleaded

     “We are talking about it.” My tone was flat and resolute. 

     “You know what I mean.” 

     He was right. I did know what he meant. For me, texting was my preferred method of communication. I expressed myself better in writing. It was hard for me to say exactly what was in the recesses of my mind, and the more emotional the topic was, the more difficult it would be to conjure up everything I needed to say on the spot. But Cory’s mind moved faster than mine. He preferred to talk on the phone. At first this frustrated me, but I learned to understand that talking was the best way for him to express himself. Unlike me, the more emotional the topic, the more he needed to be in front of that person. That way, he could be honest and quickly get everything off of his chest before he forgot. However, I knew that his presence would blow down all of my defenses. I needed to be strong. I needed to end whatever this was tonight before I got hurt anymore. 

     “I dont think it’s a good idea for us to see each other."

     “I need to talk to you. I need you to understand what I’m trying to say."

     “Look I heard what you had to say, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’ve done this before and I don’t feel like doing it again. You’re not over your ex. And I can’t be with you if your heart is with someone else. So we either give us some time and just be friends after a while, or nothing at all.” 

     Wait, is someone knocking at my door?

     “Babe please, open up."

     Did that fucker drive over here!? I looked down at my phone, and realized I had been talking to a goddamn blank screen. When the fuck did he hang up? How much of what I said did he even hear?

     A second round of knocks came from the front door. I stomped over to it, ready to launch into a list of verbal threats and curses to get him away from my front door. I was not above physical altercations if it came to it. 

     I swung open the door, ready to give Cory a piece of my mind. He jumped back, but immediately seized me by my arms. 

     “Listen to me. I slept with her, but I fucking love you. Don’t shut me out just yet. Let me in so I can talk to you."

     “Let me go,” I threatened, but my voice cracking as a betrayal of my intentions. 

     “Look at me,” he demanded. 

     I looked up, and saw the pain and regret in his blue eyes. My porch light was shining at an angle that illuminated his face. I could see how much he was pleading, begging me to not let him go. I saw the furrow of his brow, the slight shacking of his lips and jaw, as if he was trying hard to stifle any tears that threatened to fill his eyes. Those blue eyes that I fell for every time I looked in his face. Those blue eyes that had the power to make my knees shake and become so weak that I had no choice but to fall into his arms.

     I had to stay strong. I couldn’t get pulled into his power. I quickly tore my gaze away from him and looked down at the ground. 

     But the damage had been done. He pushed me into the apartment and closed the door behind him. He quickly pulled me into an embrace. 

     I breathed in at the shock of his actions, but got a huge whiff of his cologne. It was the cologne I bought for his birthday a month ago. I didn’t care too much for the cologne itself, but I loved it on him. It was the right chemicals for his body scent. Memories of that day came flooding into my brain. The way he smiled as he opened the present. The way his eyes watered as he opened the birthday card with the poem I had written for him. The powerful arms that held me that night as I laid on his chest after a passionate session of lovemaking. I would call it sex, but there was too much passion and joy in that moment to classify it as simply sex. 

     “Don’t cry baby. I’m here for you.” 

     Fuck! My goddamn body was showing my brain the ultimate betrayal. Here am I crying in his goddamn arms, listening to his voice so soothing and comforting. This is why I didn’t want him to come over. I was being pulled right back into his beautiful chaos. 

     “Why do you keep hurting me,” I choked out between the tears falling from me eyes.

     “I don’t know. I’m not trying to, I promise. I don’t want to loose you.” it was his turn to cry, as he tightened his grip of me. “Please don’t let me go. Please, i need you.” 

     Those words were tearing me apart. No one had ever said they needed me, not while crying and holding me in his arms. All the anger I had when I first swung the front door open was quickly dissipating. 

     “Don't hurt me anymore, and I won’t leave you,” I warned him, as much as I could with my voice still quavering. 

     He held me out at arms length, with a hand on my face. “I promise. I promise not to hurt you again. Not like this. Just please let me back in. Please don’t shut me out."

     I always daydreamed about this moment, me breaking up with a guy and rolling my eyes at him begging for my forgiveness. But that macho image was nowhere showing tonight. The tears streaming from those blue eyes was too much for me to push away. I couldn’t refuse that look. I couldn’t push away this hurt and sorrowful Cory that stood in front of me. 

     “Don’t apologize to me. Show me.” I never want to be lied to again. 

     He kissed me deeply, my body melting into his arms, like it had done so many night these past six months. He gently pulled his lips from mine and led me into my bedroom. Warning sirens began to flash in my mind, but my body wasn’t getting the signals. It was too late to turn back. 

     He pushed me on the bed, his body hovering over mine. 

     “I love you. Let me stay with you tonight and show you how much you mean to me."

     He kissed me deeply, and that one kiss was all the proof I needed for tonight.